Letters to Sasuke
by PeinSaku
Summary: "So, here's my plan, Uchiha: You read all of these letters and realize what an idiot you were for leaving the village. You ask to be reinstated, I grant your request, and I kick your scrawny tail for all the trouble you've caused. Everyone lives happily ever after. The end. I expect your answer soon, and I expect it to be satisfactory. OR ELSE." Signed, Tsunade. — Crack!fic.
1. Sending

Alright, everyone. Here it is: a new story that will go by quickly. It will have twenty-two chapters in total, and there will not be a sequal. I already have every chapter except the last two written, so I'll upload the next one every day or so.

Another thing: I will not post a message like this at the top of any other chapter. From now on in this story, it'll go straight into the reading section.

One last thing: I KNOW THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN IN THE SHOW. It is meant to be funny and stupid and crack-ish, so no flames, yes? Obviously, it isn't realistic, so don't complain to me about that. If you don't like it, don't read it. Simple. Get it? Got it? Good. :D

Please read and review, my pretties, or the flying hamsters of doom shall come and rain coconuts on your pitiful cities! ^.^

* * *

"Hey, wait up!"

The fifteen shinobi gathered in the training grounds turned to watch — some of them in irritation — as the only missing member of the group dashed towards them, a scroll clutched tightly in her hand. Sakura sent them all a somewhat apologetic look, but she honestly looked as though she didn't give a shit. Tsunade cleared her throat loudly to get everyone's attention.

"Now that we're all here," she announced, shooting her apprentice a frown (seriously, Konoha did _not_ need another lazy-ass like Kakashi), "we can begin".

The Godaime Hokage took a moment to gaze at all of the gathered Konoha-nin. Sakura, Naruto, Kakashi, Sai, Yamato, Team Asuma (without Asuma), Team Kurenai (without Kurenai), Team Gai (without Gai), and Shizune. (And herself, of course.) The woman nodded to herself. Yep. All accounted for.

She pulled out five scrolls — one similar to the ones everyone else carried, three with different coloring on the outside, and one large one.

"These," she growled, holding up the three and fixing Naruto with a blazing glare, "arrived this morning from _the Kazekage and his siblings_. Apparently, _they_ want to send letters to Sasuke, too." her eyes narrowed further. "Now, I wonder how they could've found out about this."

Naruto grinned impish, scratching the back of his head with a nervous expression. "Eh heh heh..."

Tsunade sighed, brushing it off. "Anyways," she continued, "everyone have their scroll?"

They each held up a scroll with Sasuke's name printed on the outside.

Exactly a week previous, Tsunade had become fed up with the way Naruto and Kakashi (and technically Sakura, but her behavior was due to anger rather than sorrow) were taking their sweet-ass time to do everything, weighed down with their grief and guilt over Sasuke's betrayal. For Kami's sake, the stupid little troll had been gone for three years now! It was time to get the hell over him and get back to doing something useful! So, to fix this, she ordered all of the Konoha 12 — with Sai replacing Sasuke, of course — Kakashi, Yamato, and Shizune to write letters to him. They were to take out all of their frustrations toward him in their letters and get everything off their chests. Then, she was going to stick them all in a sealing scroll and chuck them as far as she could, effectively tossing their worries from the village.

Piece of cake.

She held up her own and the three from Suna.

"Good. Before we send them off, I need to make something clear to you all." She fixed each and every one of them with a stern look, making sure they knew that she was serious. "If there is anything in those letter that can be used against Konoha," she said, "tell me now."

Naruto frowned in confusion. "But, why, Baa-chan?" he asked loudly. "I thought you said Sasuke-teme was never gonna read these. You're gonna take 'em and throw 'em as far as you can, right? So what's the big deal?"

Tsunade frowned back at him. "He won't, and I am," she replied, steel in her tone. "But if an enemy of Konoha were to find these stuck up in a tree or something and there were Konoha secrets in them, we'd be in deep shit."

Shikamaru grunted, muttering something under his breath that sounded suspiciously similar to 'troublesome'. The Hokage shot him a 'one-word-from-you-and-you're-dead-kid' look.

"Alright, then," she declared, unraveling the giant scroll in her hands. "Bring me your letters to the little brat so we can get back to our lives."

One by one, the shinobi shuffled forward and handed over their scrolls. Tsunade completed a brief series of hand signs and her palms began to glow pale blue. Carefully, she pushed each letter to Sasuke into the giant scroll, a small string of kanji marking their presence within the sealing item. After imputing every scroll, including those from Suna and her own, she rolled up the enormous sealing scroll. The glow of chakra faded from her hands. The blond-haired woman flew through another series of jutsu signs, causing the sealing scroll to shrink to the size of a book. She gripped it tightly in her fist.

"Take a moment," Tsunade murmured evenly, "to reminisce in fond memories or whatever the hell else you have of the greedy little bastard, because as soon as these letters are gone, you will think of him no more. You will put him out of your mind and leave him behind and _get on with your lives_ instead of moping around like brainless, useless idiots. Is that clear?"

They all nodded even though Naruto was the only one that 'moped around like a brainless, useless idiot' because, well...he was _Naruto_. A collective silence reigned for a few moment out of respect. Then, Tsunade spoke.

"Ready?"

Each person delivered a firm nod. She returned the gesture. Then, with a determined crease in her brow, she reared back her arm and let loose. The scroll rocketed through the air and disappeared into the distance with lightning speed. Her honey-colored eyes tracked the sealing scroll until the last possible second. With a stony smile, Tsunade looked once again to her fellow shinobi. They wore expressions of varying relief and slight annoyance.

"There," she announced, appearing satisfied. "I've thrown your letters to Sasuke as far as I could; I've thrown all of your worries from the village."

Naruto managed a weak smile. Tsunade's face was gentle. Then:

"Alright, you slackers! What do you think this is — a field day? _Get back to work!_"

They scattered. Tsunade huffed to herself, hands on her hips. It was good to be Hokage.

She spared one last glance in the direction she had thrown the letters before beginning the long walk back to her office. Unbeknownst to everyone except Shizune and herself, Tsunade hadn't just thrown those letters in a random direction.

She had aimed them.

o o o O O O o o o

Orochimaru sat in the main room of his base in Otogakure, a sly smirk curling his lips as he conversed quietly with Sasuke, who stood by his right shoulder. The boy was apparently demanding to be taught a new jutsu.

He paused when a faint explosion-like noise sounded somewhere at the other end of the base, frowning to himself. He cut his gaze over to Sasuke. The Uchiha had stiffened, his head raised slightly, staring in the direction of the ruckus as though he could see through the walls if he tried hard enough. (Unfortunately for Sasuke, that was the Byakugan he was thinking of — _not_ his Sharingan. Man, tough break.)

Orochimaru studied Sasuke intently from the corner of his eyes, lips pressed in a hard line. He knew that he was beginning to lose the boy; he'd seen it in the way he acted and spoke. In the past few weeks, Sasuke had been disregarding the sennin's orders more frequently (not that he had ever taken well to being ordered around). He had demanded sparring sessions nearly three times a day, and every time they fought, his attacks became fiercer and quicker. He had memorized Orochimaru's attack pattern, and he was able to predict what the man would do even before he moved — much like Sakura had during her fight with Akasuna no Sasori, but a: Sasuke didn't know about that, and b: it had only taken a few minutes for Sasuke to memorize her opponent's attack pattern.

Unbeknownst to Orochimaru, Sasuke sensed his heavy gaze. He knew the man suspected him of having something to with the disturbance. He knew the man didn't trust him.

And with good reason (even though he actually had nothing to do with whatever was happening).

The door was thrown open and Kabuto appeared, a deep grimace engraved into his expression. Orochimaru's sharp eyes zeroed in on the scroll clutched in his assistant's fist. The silver-haired man held it up for Orochimaru to take, absently adjusting his glasses.

"This was found lodged rather deeply into the southwest wall of the base," Kabuto reported as the Oto leader grabbed the scroll. "It has a Compact Jutsu cast over it to reduce its size. Due to this, I believe it's a sealing scroll."

Orochimaru studied every inch of the scroll carefully, eyebrows drawn together, expression stoic. He sensed traces of chakra within it, residue from the jutsu cast upon it. To his slight surprise, he recognized the chakra, but he couldn't quite grasp where from...

He brought his hands together into the seal of Tora, eliciting a shocked grunt from Kabuto.

"Orochimaru-sama, are you sure —"

Orochimaru silenced him with a glare and executed the jutsu. He, Kabuto, and Sasuke watched in a tense quietness as the scroll glowed and slowly increased in size. Once the aura of chakra disappeared, Orochimaru immediately unraveled it, becoming increasingly impatient. The scroll was filled with an intricate pattern of kanji, en empty circle composed of thick black ink displayed in the center.

Kabuto was correct, it seemed. It was a sealing scroll after all. But what the hell was it doing here? Or, rather, why the hell had it been lodged in the side of the southwest wall of

his base?

A messy scribble in the bottom left corner of the scroll caught Orochimaru's eyes, answering his question. The message didn't have a 'to:' or 'from:', but its sender and intended recipient were obvious.

_The scrolls sealed in this are meant for the little brat, so give them to him._

An incredulous chuckle rumbled in Orochimaru's throat as he reread the note two or three times. Inconspicuously, he covered it with his thumb. Kabuto and Sasuke didn't notice. An amused smirk curved the corners of his lips.

_What could you be up to, Tsunade-hime?_ he wondered, eyeing the scroll curiously. _Very well, then. I'll play your little game._

Orochimaru bit his thumb and formed the necessary hand seals, to Kabuto's utter disbelief.

"Orochimaru-sama —"

The man's glower was quite a bit fiercer than before. "Silence, Kabuto."

The medic reluctantly did as he was told. Orochimaru placed his palm firmly against the black circle, not blinking when a string of kanji shot across the scroll. A large puff of white smoke erupted from the point of impact, taking a long moment to dissipate. When it finally cleared, a large pile of scrolls — message scrolls — was revealed. Three of them were colored differently.

Every single one had Sasuke's name printed on the outside.

Orochimaru couldn't resist an amused chuckle to himself. "Well, what do we have here?" he mused, seeming to thoroughly enjoy this. "It seems that your former friends in Konoha have a few things to say to you, Sasuke-kun." He glanced up at the black-haired shinobi slyly. "How about it, then? Care to see for yourself?"

Before Orochimaru could react, Sasuke had snatched the entire pile of scrolls — sealing scroll included — from him and was already halfway out into the hallway. The sennin smirked to himself, eyes tracking the boy. With this, he could officially test Sasuke's loyalty to him.


	2. Sakura

Sasuke,

Not 'Sasuke-kun'. Just 'Sasuke'.

I've given up on you. I don't care about you anymore; I haven't for a while now. You mean nothing to me. And why shouldn't you? You always treated me like I was worth less than the dirt beneath your feet. Well, that's what you are to me now: the dirt beneath my feet.

You have no idea how much pain you caused Naruto and me. Naruto is still suffering from the damage you inflicted because he hasn't given up on you like I have. You will never understand what he goes through every single day because of you. All you do is bitch and complain about how bitterly unfair your life is; well, newsflash, Sasuke: _no one's_ life is fair.

I understand that you're hurting because your brother killed your entire family. I understand that you're in pain.

But Naruto never even _had_ a family. Not until we became Team 7, that is. He had to live eleven years without a family until he finally got us — even though he deserves much better: Kakashi (father), you (brother), and me (sister).

And even though your brother killed your family —which, I'll admit, wasn't fair at all —that doesn't give you the right to do it to someone else. Naruto's brother (you) is trying to kill his family (us).

I swear to you now, Sasuke: I'm going to make you pay for what you've done —and are currently doing —to Naruto. He, of all people, doesn't deserve the shit you're dishing to him, and I'll make sure you understand that. When I'm through with you, you'll be sorry.

As for myself, I've got plenty of reasons to bash your skull in and rip you a new asshole.

First off, you treated me like shit. Yes, I know that I was pretty annoying, but you didn't have to snap at me and call me pathetic every time I opened my mouth. Whenever I tried to help you, you slapped my hand away and ran off to brood. (Sure, I might not have been able to do much back then, but you could have at least been civilized when you turned me down.)

Second, I wasn't deluding myself when I told you I was in love with you. I wasn't lying or playing you or only focusing on your looks. I could see the goodness that was in you, the goodness that you tried so hard to hide and get rid of because it was "un-shinobi-like".

But I don't love you anymore. You've killed that goodness that was in you and turned to the dark side. You aren't the boy I knew anymore. Now you're just a heartless bastard that doesn't even bat an eyelash when attempting to kill his former team/family.

You know what? You're turning into Itachi. In fact, you might already be him. I have absolutely no sympathy for you, and honestly? I hope you die.

I hope we run into each other soon, because I'm going to kill you. I'm going to put you through so much pain that you'll be begging me for death. You will suffer, Sasuke, just like I have. Just like Naruto has.

You see, I'm not weak anymore. I'm not pathetic or useless or worthless or anything else you used to call me. You know why?

Because I'm not a fucking idiot like you.

I stayed in the village, and I got training from Tsunade-shishou. Kurenai-sensei helped me with my genjutsu, and even Anko took me under her wing.

So, you know what that means?

It means that I know many, many more ways to kill you than you could ever dream of.

I could sever your brain stem and watch as your body literally forgets how to breathe and your hearts forgets how to beat. I could rupture any number of organs, including your stomach so as to see the acid leak out and disintegrate you from the inside. I could send a burst of chakra to your heart and stop it myself. I could seal your lungs with chakra and let you suffocate. I could pick your brain apart piece by piece and separate the shreds completely. I could poison you with the substance I learned to create from my fight with Akasuna no Sasori and watch you suffer for three days before you finally died. I could sever each and every blood vein in your body one by one.

That's just the beginning of what I can do as a medic.

And that's only using medical ninjutsu.

Now, take into account my experience with genjutsu and 'information-gathering'.

Do you get it yet, Sasuke? Am I getting through your thick skull?

I've changed.

Now that I've unloaded that off my chest, I feel the need to explain. Even though you'll never be reading this, my OCD demands that I set everything straight.

Tsunade-shishou ordered us all to write these letters to you. She told us to take out all of our frustrations at you so that she could then throw them as far as she was able, effectively tossing away our troubles. A simple, yet brilliant, plan in theory. However, I didn't want to write you this letter (no matter if it was actually a real letter to you or not). I don't want to talk to you or see you or ever hear from you again.

I could care less about you. You mean nothing to me now, just as I did to you when we were genin.

Now I understand why you refrained from becoming attached to Naruto, Kakashi-sensei, and myself. You didn't want love or affection or friendship.

Because, really, what are those things?

Just invisible, intangible existences that appear to be more important than anything, but actually mean nothing. Why bother becoming attached to someone? We're all going to die eventually. And when we do, those bonds will be broken. No more talking to that person, no more hugging that person, no more holding that person, no more seeing that person, no more _anything_ with that person. End of story.

Life is just...meaningless. Unless you are someone who can make an enormous impact upon the world — someone who can leave footprints in the sands of time.

So what is the point of love, anyway?

It doesn't last forever. It always ends bitterly, and then no one is happy.

I suppose I can sympathize with Naruto's explanation, however poorly he worded it:

"But, Sakura-chan! How can you say that? ! That's...GAH! If you live without friends or family or anything, then what's the point? If you can't be happy in life, then why are you living? _Enjoy _life! Make new friends and go on adventures and do cool stuff! 'Cause one day, you'll really regret it and...and you'll be really sorry that you didn't take the chance to get to know anyone."

I can see where he's coming from. Frankly, I agree with his view point. I've just given up on making friends and going on adventures, because I know my life will be dull and painful —nothing else. I'm just one of those unlucky ones that gets the shitty end of fortune.

Well, I believe I've rambled on long enough about my problems. They have nothing to do with you anyway, so I should probably mark it all out.

But, whatever.

Tsunade-shishou told me to write to you, so I'm writing to you. And it isn't as if you'll ever be reading this, so you can't complain.

Honestly, I wonder what you're doing right now. I suppose you're off somewhere with Orochi —I-like-to-rape-little-boys —maru, learning another jutsu and killing more innocent people. Perhaps being patched up by that slimy bastard, Kabuto. It doesn't matter.

I hope you realize, Sasuke, that Orochimaru isn't training you to make you more powerful so that you can kill your brother. He's making you more powerful so that when he takes over your body —probably sometime within the next few weeks or months, actually —he'll be stronger than his enemies.

I'll admit: You're strong, Sasuke.

You're strong, but you're not powerful.

Strength doesn't matter in the face of power, and true power comes from the heart. Your heart isn't in this. If it was, you'd still be fragile, broken, torn up over the concept of having to kill your brother. You've removed both your heart and mind from the equation, leaving solely your body to function. You're doing this so that you can kill Itachi without experiencing any kind of emotional breakdown during the process.

True, this is what's 'expected' of a shinobi (keeping your emotions in check), but you're still missing the key factor:

_You abandoned the village and tried to kill all of us._

Honestly, what the _fuck_ were you thinking?

I'll humor you and pretend for a moment that leaving the village behind will somehow aid you in your quest. But answer this for me:

What the hell kind of good does it do to kill all of us? What are you getting from it?

I've asked myself this over and over since the day you left, and I've still yet to come up with an answer.

So if we ever meet again, before I kill you, I'll ask you why. I know you won't answer me; instead, you'll just grunt and sneer and tell me I'm annoying like you always used to.

There are no words for me to describe to you how much I hate that —how much I hate the fact that you consider me to be weak and useless and good-for-nothing. And that's not all; if you want to think that of me, then fine. Just don't rub it in my face like the conceited bastard you are.

Currently, I have nothing left to say to you. So, keeping that in mind, I'll end my letter to you here.

Have a nice fucking day.

Haruno Sakura  
Hokage's Apprentice

P.S. I slept on it. Or, rather, I lied awake on it. Considering that this phrase makes no sense whatsoever, I'll explain:

As soon as I signed my name and put this stupid letter up, I went to bed. But I couldn't sleep. I remained awake the entire night, staring like a damn idiot at my ceiling. When I got up this morning, I knew that I had to keep writing on this to relieve my itch, but I refused to.

Now, after work, I'm writing on this.

Even though I told myself not to.

Because I'm a fucking dumbass.

I honestly don't know why I'm still writing to you —or, more accurately, writing an unsendable letter addressed to you. (Yes, in fact, I _do_ realize that 'unsendable' is not an actual word, but you can go jump off a cliff. I don't care.)

I don't even know what to say. I just feel the need to write. So, against my better judgment, I'll do so.

Oh. A thought I feel I should enlighten you on:

I won't bother attempting to convince you to return to the village. There are a few reasons for this.

1. I know it will do no good. Naruto and I have tried many times to get you to come back, so why would you listen now?

2. You may not even be alive at the moment. Obviously, it would be pointless if this were the case.

3. Even if you are still alive, you'll never read this anyway. So, again, what's the point?

4. Frankly, I don't care if you come back or not.

5. Even if by some nonexistent miracle you agree to return, you'll be sentenced to death for abandoning the village and working with Orochimaru. (Unless Kakashi-sensei pulled some strings, which I wouldn't put past him.)

The other hundred or so reasons are either A: too small to really count, B: somewhere in the back of my mind and currently eluding me, or C: too long or tedious for me to bother writing down.

Because, really, why should I? There's no point to this letter at all.

And even though I'm still itching to continue writing, I'll end this. For good.

Haruno Sakura  
Hokage's Apprentice

Again.


	3. Naruto

Sasuke-teme,

STUPID BASTARD. COME HOME, DAMN IT. COME HOME. NOW, DUDE.

Seriously, man, you're breaking my balls! Not cool! Not cool at all!

Geez, teme, why do you have to be such a prick? Like, seriously, what did I ever do to you? You went all emo and bastard-ish on us and just LEFT. REALLY, MAN. JUST — JUST FUCK.

You know what?

FUCK YOU.

FUCK YOU AND YOUR UCHIHA EGO AND YOUR ANAL ATTITUDE.

So, there.

Oh, yeah; I forgot: Tsunade-baa-chan made us all write these letters to you to, uh, 'take out our anger at you' or something. She wants us to 'overcome this speed bump in our lives and progress forward with the closure of finally releasing our inner frustrations at your loss and betrayal'. Whatever that means. (I had to get Sakura-chan to repeat that for me, like, a bagillion times 'cause I couldn't remember it and she's all smart and cool like that. Yeah.)

Anyways.

So I told Gaara about these letter-thingys. He thought it sounded like a cool idea, so he told Kankuro and Temari, too. They're probably sending you letters like we are, so yeah.

Um. Like, seriously, dude. I dunno what to say to you anymore. I'm drawing a, uh...

Wait.

Uh.

Blank! I'm drawing a blank. (Forgot the word...)

AND DON'T YOU SMIRK AT ME, TEME. I KNOW YOU ARE, 'CAUSE YOU'RE JUST A BASTARD LIKE THAT. I'M NOT STUPID. SO DON'T CALL ME IT. 'CAUSE I'M NOT.

LIKE, AT ALL.

SO, THERE.

Moving on.

Reasons you should come back:

**#1-** 'Cause I said so.

**#B-** 'Cause you're an emo prick, and you'll probably, like, kill yourself or something if we're not there to stop you. (OH MY GOD. ARE YOU ALREADY DEAD? !)

**#3-** 'Cause me and Sakura-chan and Kakashi-sensei are super-cool ninja and we can help you kill Itachi-teme.

**#5-** 'Cause Konoha is epic.

#**6-** 'Cause Oto isn't.

**#7-** 'Cause Orochimaru-teme is, like, gay and creepy and shit.

**#8-** 'Cause he scares me, too.

**#9-** 'Cause you'll get stronger quicker if you train with us instead of him.

**#10-** 'Cause you're better off here.

**#...?-** 'Cause you should.

And, uh, yeah. A lot more reasons I can't think of right now.

See? I _am_ smart, teme. Suck on _that_ and smoke your pipe or whatever.

Hah.

Oh, by the way, Hinata-chan is mine. So don't even think about stealing her 'cause that's just — just no. Don't do it. Like, ever. Or else. 'Cause I'll kill you. 'Cause Hinata-chan is mine. Not yours. So, there.

And what the fuck, man? You tried to _kill_ me last time! That is so not cool, teme! Not cool at all! That is just not done! Like, ever!

I've never had a family, Sasuke. I never knew my mom or my dad. I know that doesn't even compare to what happened to you because — because that wasn't fair at all. You didn't deserve that. You didn't deserve to have a fucked up older brother or a shitty life. And I'm sorry. I wish I could do something — anything! But I can't.

But you're _my_ brother, Sasuke. I've never had a bond like this before, but I...I think this is what it feels like to have a brother. To have a family. And you know what? I like it. It feels..._good_. It makes me feel good to know that you're my non-blood brother. You're _important_ to me, Sasuke.

And so are Sakura-chan and Kakashi-sensei. Sakura-chan is my sister; she's always there for me, and she always knows what I'm thinking — even when I don't! Kakashi-sensei is my...my father, I think. He always tells me to do my best and work hard and make new friends on my missions.

And you know what I just realized? I think...I think my family has gotten bigger, and I never noticed. Tsunade-baa-chan, Ero-sennin, Yamato-taichou, Sai-teme, and Hinata-chan... They're all my family, too. They're my grandparents (Ero-sennin probably wouldn't mind, but don't tell baa-chan that), my uncle, my stupid cousin, and my, um...girlfriend. Yeah. Maybe wife. Hopefully. Someday. (Again, SHE'S MINE.)

But like I said (er…wrote) earlier, you're my brother, Sasuke. My _brother_. You mean so much to me, even if you _are_ a complete bastard. And that's why I'll do whatever it takes to get you back. I'll never give up, teme; believe it. I made a promise to Sakura-chan that I would bring you back to her, and it's the promise of a lifetime. I swore I'd drag you home no matter if I had to break every bone in your body, and I'll do it.

Because I didn't just promise Sakura-chan; I promised myself, too.

You better believe I'll make it happen.

'Cause I can. And I will.

Just listen to me, teme. Please — for once, listen. This whole revenge thing you're doing — it's stupid. You might think it's the best thing to do, but as soon as you kill Itachi, you'll be lost. You won't know what to do because your life won't have meaning anymore. Revenge won't make you happy, teme. It'll just start up an endless circle of pin and hate and then _no one_ will be happy.

So, just…just come home, won't you? Please? I really miss you, Sasuke; things aren't the same without you. I'm begging, so…_please_.

Well, I guess…I guess that's all.

Man, I wish I could write more. Sorry.

…wait.

Hold up.

This letter…

…you're not going to be reading it…

WHOA.

BACK UP. TIME OUT.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA BE READING THIS? SO IT WAS A COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME?

_FUCK!_

MAN, THAT IS THE _LAST_ FUCKING TIME I _EVER_ WRITE TO _YOU_!

Uzumaki Naruto


	4. Kakashi

Sasuke,

I honestly have no idea what to say to you. I've envisioned an encounter between all four of us countless times, but each time I draw a blank on how I should approach you. I'm writing this letter to you on Tsunade-sama's orders; thankfully, she's taken the choice out of my hands.

How to begin? I guess I'll go about it this way:

I'm sorry. I feel that I've failed you, and I will never forgive myself. I focused only on training you, when I should have worked on your teamwork with Naruto and Sakura. There are no words for me to describe how deeply this has all affected me. I hope someday that you will return to the village, and if you do, I will welcome you as I would my own son. I will do my best to get the Council to excuse you.

I understand where you're coming from. Having your family torn from you at such a young age is painful; I've shared your experience. But know this, Sasuke: revenge, no matter how sweet it may seem, will always end up bitter. It will not satisfy you — not for a single second. It will only makes the pain worse, so much so that you will wish for your own death. Trust me on this; I know.

I wish you luck with the path you're on. I hope that someday before you kill Itachi, you will realize what I've told you is true. If you can somehow forgive your brother for what he's done — no matter how impossible it may seem — you will be much better off.

Good luck again, Sasuke. Stay safe.

Kakashi


	5. Sai

Traitor-san:

I have encountered you only on two occasions, but I feel as though I know you well enough due to how often Ugly and Dickless talk about you. They say I should not call you "traitor." In fact, Ugly has broken my jaw seven times for that exact reason, and Dickless always launches into a fit of yelling. But I do not understand why. I am simply labeling you with a familiar word, as my books said to do.

My books also instructed me that female desire to be nicknamed the opposite of what they are. I have witnessed no evidence to support this case with Ugly. Her nickname apparently greatly displeases her. Beautiful — the Yamanaka girl whom I trust you are familiar with — however perfectly matches the described result in my books.

This, too, continues to puzzle me.

I believe I understand Dickless's aggravated reaction to his nickname. He is much more similar to a female, ergo I should have labeled him with his opposite. Unfortunately, it is too late now to change nicknames. He will simply have to deal with it.

I, myself, am incapable of experiencing any emotion whatsoever, whereas Ugly and Dickless seem to act upon their emotions more frequently than a "normal" person would. We are quite literally polar opposites. They both took an instant disliking to me, and Dickless often informed me that I would never possess a position within Team 7. I was told time and time again that they preferred having you on their team rather than me.

I do not understand this. You are a traitor to the village, and you have attempted to kill them on multiple occasions.

Ugly told me that Dickless regards you as his brother. Apparently, you were the first person to truly accept Dickless for everything that he is. His words, his eyes, and his actions all constantly remind me that he will do absolutely anything to get you back, no matter the cost.

For this, I must acknowledge you.

Ugly and Dickless say that I am their "friend" now. They say that I am a part of the team, just not your replacement. I can easily accept that. It was never my intention to replace you.

Due to these facts, I shall aid Ugly and Dickless, should they ever again be dispatched to find and return you to the village. I shall also call upon every skill at my disposal in order to defend them, should you feel the need to once again attempt their assassinations.

However, I do not wish for it to come to that. You would be much more secure in accepting their aid and invitation home.

Despite my opinion on the matter, it is still your decision alone. I possess no deluding thoughts that I could change your mind; ergo, I will not attempt to.

Until we meet again.

Sai


	6. Yamato

Sasuke:

I'm afraid I don't know you too well. I've only met you once, but I'm sure you wouldn't remember me. When you were fifteen, when Naruto-kun and Sakura-chan found you in Orochimaru's old base, I was there. I acted as the team leader to fill in for Kakashi-sempai.

On orders from Hokage-sama, I am constructing this letter to you in order to "take out my frustrations at you and move along with my life". I can honestly say that I have no frustrations with you. (Like I said before, I don't really know you.) However, I feel a bit disappointed. Naruto-kun and Sakura-chan talk about you often. From their descriptions, I feel that you were kind to them, though you retain a rather blank exterior. I must say, I wish you hadn't left. You have amazing potential to be a great shinobi, Sasuke. Don't throw your life away.

I'm a bit surprised I wrote so much. I usually keep things simple.

Well, Sasuke, I would like to hear your thoughts on what I've told you. Hokage-sama said these letters would never reach you, however I think differently. I believe she has set up some way to send these to you.

Oh, well. Simply the suspicions of a shinobi.

I have the distinct feeling that we will all be hearing from you soon, however it may occur. Until then.

Yamato


	7. Ino

Dear Sasuke-kun,

I don't care that you'll never read this. I've got a lot to get off my chest, so I'm going to rant while I can pretend you're listening. Mmkay? Mmkay. So here's how it is:

I'm not mad at you like everybody else is. I'm just upset. So come home soon, Sasuke-kun, because I can't stay single forever, ya know? Once I'm back on the market, I'll go quick. You better believe it. I'm waiting for you. I swore to stupid Forehead Girl when we were five that I'd marry you, and I'm not about to let her show me up. So bring that fine piece of ass home soon~.

Kiba says I'm a creepy stalker. Kankuro (whenever he comes to Konoha to visit Forehead Girl — I dunno why, though, 'cause she's totally boring) says I'm a creeper. Shikamaru says I'm crazy. I am not. I. Am. Not. I mean, like, seriously! It's lies! Lies! I'm totally sane and normal and not creepy stalkerish! (No matter what stupid Forehead Girl says. Damn her.)

So, yeah.

I'm a coolio kunoichi now, Sasuke-kun. Remember how awesome I was when you last saw me? Yeah, I'm twice as good now — no; ten times as good. Mm-hm. I'm totally amazing.

Oooh, I'm so mad now! Forehead Girl is so stupid! And the Baka, too! UGH! There I was, trying to help them by suggesting they date, and Forehead Girl totally freaked on me. Yeah, the Baka is with Her Shyness now, but come on! I mean, anybody with eyes could see that he was completely in love with Forehead a couple years ago, and she needs a man! (Just not you as her man.) Killing two birds with one stone. Smart, right? I thought so. And they were so ungrateful! Hmph! "Sister and brother" my foot! I bet they'll jump each other any day now. Just you wait. It'll happen.

So, anyway, you should see my new outfit. It's totally hot, and I know you'd love it. I've been tanning and working on making my stomach lean, so I'm damn sexy — not that I wasn't before, of course. I'm just more so now. Oh, and I grew my hair out again! I know you like girls with long hair, so you'll be happy to know that it's even longer than it was when we were Genin. You'll be so impressed when you see me! Love at first sight! (Or second sight? Since we've already met and all, it wouldn't really be first sight )

Oh, wow, Sasuke-kun. It's super hard to think of something to write. Huh. It'd be so much easier if I could say this all to your face 'cause I'm better at talking than writing. One of my many talents~.

Well, my gorgeous slice of man, I'm sorry to say that I'm not sure what to say anymore. Damn. I know, I know; it makes you sad that you can't hear any more from me, right? So you'll read this over and over again to tide you over, right?

Oh, wait. I forgot.

That's right. You won't be reading this. Damn. Double damn. So that means I wrote all this and made my hand cramp and hurt for nothing. Triple damn. Oh, how depressing. So not cool.

Well, there's only one thing to do to get my spirits back up: raid Forehead Girl's apartment for her secret stash of ice cream and eat hm I think I'll go for three scoops this time. I know, it's a lot, but I've always been pretty daring. I mean, do you have any idea how hard it is to keep up this gorgeous figure? Come find me, Sasuke-kun. Feast your eyes upon my perfectness and eat your heart out.

Love,

~Ino-hime


	8. Shikamaru

Sasuke,

I don't know you too well, and I honestly don't care to. You seem strong and all, but you're pretty troublesome, from what I hear. Even more troublesome than Sai and Sakura. You come pretty close to Ino and Temari, but Naruto's got you beat by miles. No one will ever be as troublesome as him. It makes me tired just thinking about him. What a drag.

If it wasn't for Tsunade-sama, I wouldn't be writing you in the first place. She threatened me, the troublesome woman. She says this is a stress-relieving activity; we take out our frustrations at you through these letters and then she throws them as far as she can, effectively "throwing our troubles away." She says you'll never read these.

But it's obvious she was lying. She's sending these letters to you. Damn troublesome woman.

You're troublesome. This letter is troublesome. This whole thing is troublesome.

Whatever. Just read your letters and get on with your life. And pay no attention to whatever Ino wrote you. Troublesome crazy blond-haired loud-mouth. What a drag.

Shikamaru


	9. Chouji

Sasuke,

Er, I really don't know you. At all. We haven't even talked. Or looked at each other. I think. So, yeah.

Your hair was blue, right? Or was it black? I can't remember.

Um, be careful when you read Ino's letter. She's kind of...well...you get the point. (Oh wait — you're not reading these, are you? Tsunade-sama said you weren't.) So that means I've got no reason to write this. Well, she threatened me to write something, and I have. Right.

Chouji


	10. Hinata

Dear Sasuke-san,

Um...I really don't know what to say to you. I mean, you're Naruto-kun's best friend, so I'll try, but...

Honestly you, um...you kind of frighten me. Please don't take offense to that! I'm sorry!

Um...Sasuke-san, I don't think I've ever spoken to you. If I have, I'm very sorry, but I don't remember. Gomen nazai.

Naruto-kun and Sakura-san talk about you a lot. They say that you're a very kind person, even if you don't always act like it. They say that you saved them many times. It makes them very sad (...no, actually, I think it makes Sakura-san mad) whenever someone mentions your name. It's hard to watch. I wish you would return to the village for their sakes. Kakashi-sensei's too.

Neji-nii-san doesn't like you too much, I think. He feels a kind of debt to Naruto-kun for his kindness and compassion, and I believe he has begun to consider Sakura-san as more than a friend. (Otou-san is hopeful for a wedding soon. It's kind of funny, but I feel ashamed for thinking so.)

When we were all Genin and you were still with us, I must say, Sasuke, I really respected you. You're a very strong shinobi, and you're not afraid to get hurt. You were kind to Naruto-kun and acted like his brother. I was very disappointed when you left. I don't believe you understand how badly you hurt Naruto-kun and Sakura-san by doing what you did. Naruto-kun still believes very deeply in you. I'm not completely sure about Sakura-san, but I think she's given up on you. For your sake, I pray she hasn't. Kakashi-sensei is extremely difficult for me to read, but I believe he still hopes you will return.

Tsunade-sama said that by sending these letters to you (I'm not entirely sure that I believed her when she said you would never get these) we would be able to take out our frustrations toward you. I, personally, feel no frustration toward you. I'm a bit sad that you felt you couldn't stay, but I pray to Kami-sama for your safety. I could never bring myself to hate you (...or anyone, for that matter ) as I fear Neji-nii-san, Kankuro-san, Temari-san, Kazekage-sama, and now Sakura-san do. I believe very deeply in second chances — sometimes even third or fourth chances — and I think you deserve one.

Although I might not believe that you won't be reading this, I'm pretty sure you'll never reply. So, keeping that in mind, I'll try not to ask too many questions in case it irritates you.

Um, I understand if you don't want to read this. I don't mind. I know I tend to ramble on and stutter a lot, especially when I get nervous. Writing a letter is much easier than talking because I can't stutter in a letter. I apologize for my messy handwriting. I guess that's what occurs in place of stuttering because I'm very nervous, even though I'm not looking you in the face...

If I was away from home for a few years and someone wrote me a letter, I'd want that person to tell me what all has happened in my absence. So, I guess I'll do that for you, too. (Or is that too arrogant of me to presume that you'd want the same thing as me? I'm sorry! I didn't mean to offend you if I did!) Um, I'll apologize in advance for Kiba-kun and Shino-kun. I don't think they like you too much, so please don't take any unkind words they may say to heart. And also, Naruto-kun doesn't mean any of the rude things he probably said to you. He still loves you very much as his brother.

In the years since you left, a lot has changed. Shikamaru-san is ANBU Captain One and head of the Intelligence Corp; Neji-nii-san is ANBU Captain Two and a Hunter-nin. Sakura-san helps run the hospital with Tsunade-sama and Shizune-sempai, and works as a Code Breaker Expert under Shikamaru-san in the intelligence Corp. Naruto-kun is a Jonin and too busy to try for ANBU — same as Sakura-san. Tsunade-sama gives him more missions than anyone because the Council is trying to tie him down. Kakashi-sensei is back in his ANBU position. (He told Tsunade-sama that after Team Seven, he didn't think he could ever pass another Genin team.) He's ANBU Captain Three. Yamato-sensei was put in charge of the ANBU Root shinobi after Danzo-san was killed (by you?), and he is working with Sai-san to help them. Sai-san is now an ANBU under Neji-nii-san. Lee-san, Tenten-san, Kiba-kun, Shino-kun, Kankuro-san, and Temari-san are all Jonin; Ino-san, Chouji-san, and I are Chunin.

Asuma-sensei was killed by the Akatsuki. Kurenai-sensei had his son a few months after, so she named him after his father. Shikamaru loves Little Asuma-kun; he spends every spare second he has with them. Little Asuma-kun starts at the Ninja Academy in just over a years. Kurenai-sensei is worried, but she's proud of him. She takes a mission every now and then to make money and Shikamaru-san baby-sits for her, but she isn't a Genin sensei anymore.

Gai-sensei constantly trains with Lee-san, so he didn't take a team this year. I think he'll request to be Little Asuma-kun's sensei when he graduates, though. Anko-sensei had come to absolutely love Sakura-san, and she is teaching her all about interrogation; Ibiki-san is, too, I think. Honestly, Anko-sensei terrifies me. More than Ibiki-sensei, in fact. The scariest part, though, is that she is currently after Kakashi-sensei in the, um...romantic sense...

She said one day that she was a, um, sadist and Kakashi-sensei is ah a, uh...masochist so I didn't ask any questions. It horrifies me.

I'll...um...I'll stop talking now...

I'm sorry!

Sincerely,

Hyuga Hinata


	11. Kiba

Sasuke,

I don't like to beat around the bush, so I'll give it to you straight: if I ever see you, I'm gonna kill you and piss on your grave — if you get one. I'd very gladly throw you in a ditch and let the wolves eat you. Then again, wolves would be repulsed by you, even in death. So I guess you'll just have to lie there while the worms devour your body and you decompose and shit. I'd tell you that you're going to burn in hell, but everyone down there is probably too afraid that you'd take over and make it even worse for them. And you'd enjoy it. So instead, you're going to rot in a ditch while worms eat you and you decompose.

All of this is the stuff Naruto is too nice to say, and the stuff not nearly violent enough for Sakura. So, for their benefit (and my own satisfaction), I'm saying it for them.

The only reason I'm actually writing this letter to you is because Tsunade-sama ordered us all to do one, and she's damn scary. And plus, I'm pretty sure she lied like a filthy cat. You're never gonna read these? Yeah, right. Nice try, lady.

So, just to make things clear in case that stick up your ass has screwed with your ability to read:

Don't come back to Konoha, or I'll kill you. If Sakura, Tsunade-sama, or Neji doesn't do it first. Got it? Good.

Over and out.

Kiba


	12. Shino

Uchiha Sasuke:

I do not like you. Do not attempt to return.

Aburame Shino


	13. Lee

U-chi-ha!

I will never forgive you for what you have done to my beautiful Sakura blossom! You have hurt her in the springtime of her glorious youth, and she now acts as cold as you did (but I could never dislike her as I do you)! I will defeat you, and she will finally return my affections! (And she will be kind to Neji when she turns him down for me, because she is a nice person. Her heart is large, and it is gleaming with purity and youth!)

You were also very unkind to Naruto, so I will fight you for him as well. Prepare yourself, U-chi-ha, for I, Rock Lee, shall defeat you and prove once and for all that I am indeed a splendid ninja, even though I cannot use ninjutsu or genjutsu!

Rock Lee  
Konoha's Handsome Blue Beast


	14. Neji

Uchiha:

I did not know you personally at the time when which you were once loyal to Konoha, and I did not desire to. Because of this, I bear no ill will toward you, save for your atrocious attitude, which thoroughly disgusts me. Ergo, I find that constructing this 'letter' to you on my Hokage's orders has been a complete waste of my time, and I shall never get these precious one-and-three-quarters minutes of my life back.

I do, however, resent the fact that Sakura was once so taken with you. I honestly do not understand what she could have possibly seen in you.

Hyuga Neji


	15. Tenten

Sasuke-san,

Well, Tsunade-sama threatened us all to write a letter to you and take out our frustrations at you so we can get on with our lives. I told her that I didn't know you at all, and she replied: "Write him a goddamn letter now, or I'll throw you back in the Academy."

So I wrote you a letter.

There you go. Have fun doing whatever it is you do.

And, uh, don't die. Yeah.

Tenten


	16. Gaara

Uchiha.

Naruto is my closest friend. I owe him everything. I nearly killed Sakura-san six years ago. She saved my brother. I owe her as well.

And you hurt them.

I will kill you.

Do not ever step foot in Sunagakure. Or you will die.

Sabaku no Gaara  
Kazekage


	17. Kankuro

Oi, Uchiha.

Yeah, so here's the deal: Naruto told me, Gaara, and Temari all about this whole "take out our frustrations at you by writing you a letter" thing — blah, blah, blah — and we decided, what the heck? We're giving it a whirl. This whole thing sounds fishy to me, and I've got a feeling that you actually will be reading these letters.

If you take that stick out of your ass long enough to do it, that is.

Anyway, this is what I'm getting at: Gaara is my brother, Naruto is his best friend, and you hurt the idiot. So I'm gonna kill you if I ever see you.

Plus, you hurt Sakura. And since she saved my life and all when I got poisoned, I have to make it up to her. So I won't just kill you; I'll kill you slowly. And painfully. You feel me? Good. Glad we're on the same page.

Sabaku no Kankuro  
Kazekage's Assistant


	18. Temari

Sasuke,

I don't really know you. We've only met maybe two times, and both times we were enemies. Now my village and I are on Konoha's side and what do ya know? You're suddenly the enemy again. See a pattern here?

So here it is, blunt and to the point: you hurt Naruto and Sakura — and you hurt my brothers by way of that — so I'm gonna fuck up your ugly little face, slice you to pieces, and bury you under a couple tons of sand.

I don't like you. I never have (I don't think) and I never will. Unless you get reinstated into Konoha and make it up tenfold to Naruto and Sakura. If you do that, I won't kill you, but I'll still fuck up your face (you hurt my younger brothers, after all).

Get it? Got it? Good.

There. There's your damn letter.

Sabaku no Temari  
Kazekage's Assistant


	19. Shizune

Sasuke,

I have to say, Sasuke, I'm very disappointed. You had wonderful potential to become one of the greatest shinobi of our time; even I, having only known you for a month at most, could see it. You're making a mistake — a very big mistake. I don't think you understand how deeply Orochimaru's darkness runs. He is someone you do not want to get mixed up with. I advise you to sever all ties to him immediately — even if you don't return to the village, at least get away from Orochimaru. He's going to try to take control of your mind and body so that he can have your Sharingan.

I know you must be a bit confused with all of these letters, so I'll explain: Tsunade-sama came up with this to get all of your former friends and acquaintances to "leave their troubles behind and move on with their lives". She told them to take out their frustrations at you in a letter (she told Sakura-chan and Naruto-kun to be as rude as they want) so that she could then "throw all the letters as far as she can to send their frustrations away".

But here's the catch: she's actually throwing these letters to you. She wants you to read these letters so that you understand a little of what you put everyone through, and so that you might one day return to the village.

I hope that clears things up a bit.

On to what I wanted to say to you:

Your hurt Naruto-kun, Sakura-chan, and Kakashi-san very deeply by leaving. You have absolutely no idea just how badly they've suffered because of everything you've done. I am not so lowly a person as to wish their pain upon you, but I want you to at least attempt to feel the effects of your own actions. I do not believe that's asking too much of you; simply a bit of consideration and respect. I believe these things are within even your grasp, Sasuke.

Pardon me. That was rude.

I'm trying to be civilized in this letter to you, even though Tsunade-sama instructed be to be very critical. It's surprisingly difficult not to abide by her order. There are many things I wish to say to you on Naruto-kun and Sakura-chan's behalves — things which I'm sure Sakura-chan managed to work a few death threats into. I won't, however, say these things because, as I stated a moment ago, I'm attempting to be civilized. So far, I've been successful, other than a minor slip up (see: the last sentence of the paragraph before this one — previous to "Pardon me. That was rude.") As further proof of my progress, I didn't repeat my rude statement.

I wish I could apologize for the undoubtedly venomous words written to you by Naruto-kun, Sakura-chan, and Tsunade-sama. I cannot. I am many things, but a hypocrite I am not. I cannot apologize for them when I feel the same as they do. I would ask for your forgiveness, but I honestly do not think I need to be forgiven for merely stating the truth.

Please excuse any overtly rude comments you find in this letter. I read it over three times and failed to discover any — minus that one slip-up; unfortunately I am writing in pen, so I can't erase it. I won't scratch it out, either, because that would be incredibly tacky. It is your choice what you do with these letters. Think carefully.

Shizune  
Hokage's Assistant


	20. Tsunade

Uchiha:

Alright, listen up, you cocky little shit. You screwed with Naruto and my apprentice, and I'm telling you now: you're not getting away with it. If I ever see your arrogant little face again — even if you willing return to the village after reading these letters like I hope you do — I'll beat the fuck out of you. Got it?

I'm the one who ordered everyone to write these letters to you. They (or most of them, anyway) have been moping around because of you for way too long, and it's about time they pulled their heads out of their asses to get back to living. Frankly, I don't understand what any of them saw in you. You're just a selfish, stuck-up little brat that wouldn't spit on any of your "friends" if they were on fire. Yeah, some friend, you obnoxious ass.

Anyway.

So here's my plan:

You read all of these letters and realize what an idiot you were for leaving the village. You reply back and ask for citizenship of Konoha again. You come down here and I kick your scrawny ass for all the trouble you've caused. I reinstate you into Konoha and give you an ANBU mission to go kill your brother. After he's dead, you come back and everyone lives happily ever after. The end.

Is that clear? If not, you'd better read this letter over and over until the message comes through. And you'd better do exactly as I said.

Or not only will I kick your scrawny ass, I'll kill you, too. Sound fair? Yes? No? Too fucking bad.

I expect your answer soon, and I expect it to be satisfactory. OR ELSE, YOU EVIL LITTLE TROLL-FACED BASTARD.

Tsunade  
Hokage


	21. Receiving

Thank you guys so much for all of your reviews! :D

Oh, and fyi:

I AM, in fact, writing on my other stories. I'm sorry that it's taking so long because these last couple of chapters of _HP and the RDG_ and _WA, YSC_ are much longer than normal. Plus, I have five stories in total I'm working on — not to mention all of the one-shots I have to write for people who won polls!

So, I'm sorry that I'm making you guys wait, but I can't do everything, alright?

Anyways.

There will be only two more chapters of this. It is two chapters longer that I originally planned because:

A- I put in the thing about the flamer.

B- I decided to make one last chapter for this.

There will also most likely be a one-shot on the side titled _The Extra Letter_ in which Orochimaru finds a letter still stuck in the scroll.

It kinda makes me sad that this story has 2,000 hits, yet only 240 reviews. :(

Well, please read and review! :)

* * *

So, picture this:

Godaime Hokage Tsunade, sitting in her office, doing paperwork like a paperwork demon, drinking tea.

PAPERWORK.

AND TEA.

GREAT KAMI, WHAT HAS THIS WORLD _COME_ TO?

"SHIZUNE!" she yelled, making Chunin and Jonin in nearby rooms wince.

There was a long silence as Tsunade waited impatiently. Her foot tapped. She gripped her tea cup with much more force than necessary, causing it to crack. After a moment, she could hear the faint sound of high-heeled footsteps rushing her way. It took a moment, but the door was finally thrown open. Shizune stood in the doorway, slightly hunched over and breathing heavily.

"Y-yes ma'am?" she asked between gasps for air.

Tsunade glared at her. "Bring the rest of the paperwork!" she growled. "I want this shit done and off my desk _today_!"

Shizune flinched and bowed hastily. "Yes, milady!"

The dark-haired woman hurried out of her office, tripping over herself many times as she darted down the hallway. Multiple crashes and shouts sounded from wherever Shizune had disappeared to. Heartbeats later, she was hurtling back up stairs and down hallways to Tsunade's office. Of course, she tripped in the doorway and sent a massive stack of papers flying in every which direction.

Tsunade's eyes gleamed as she growled in irritation. Shizune 'eep'ed and was instantly on her hands and knees, frantically grabbing at the fluttering papers falling all around her, hysterical tears in the corners of her eyes. She could practically feel the flames springing from Tsunade's deadly glare.

"Give them here!" the Hokage snapped.

"Y-yes, milady!" Shizune squeaked, appearing to have a panic attack as she began spastically throwing papers at her boss's desk.

Tsunade snatched them as they came to her, furiously stamping her signature on every single one — most of the time nowhere near the line where her signature needed to be. She flew through the paperwork with incredible speed, glowering Black Flames O' Doom at Shizune when there was no more.

"More!" she yelled.

Shizune flinched. "B-but there's no more, Tsunade-sama," she said weakly.

Tsunade glared at her for a second. Then closed her eyes, kicked back, and relaxed.

"Okay, then."

Shizune stared in disbelief at her Hokage. What _was_ this woman?

A knock came at the door. Tsunade opened her eyes and glared at it. "What?" she demanded.

It opened and in stepped a Jonin from the intelligence department. She was tall and pale with black eyes and long dark violet hair pulled into a low ponytail. She carried a gray scroll.

"What is this?" Tsunade asked as the woman handed it to her.

"A letter," she replied simply.

Tsunade smirked.


	22. Sasuke

Tsunade:

I take orders from no one, you psychotic, violent woman. I do not respond to threats, and I do not plan on "getting my scrawny ass kicked," especially by an old bag with shit for brains.

I could kick your ass any day. Just name the time.

Also, the "mission" you were going to assign me is no longer needed.

Itachi is returning with me, whether you like it or not.

* * *

Shizune:

I figured that was the case — the Hokage intentionally sending these letters to me, that is — so your explanation was entirely unnecessary. I do not appreciate having wasted my time reading that section of your letter.

Your pathetic attempts at kindness make me sick.

* * *

Temari:

Your letter was a waste of my time. You will in no way "fuck up my face" if your mediocre abilities have anything to do with it.

And you are a filthy liar.

"I don't like you. I never have, and I never will."

That's bullshit.

You turned into a psycho fangirl-bitch the moment you saw me.

And that doesn't make you any less of a waste of my time.

It just makes you more annoying.

* * *

Kankuro:

Like your sister, you are a waste of perfectly good air space. Your death threats are pathetic.

Touch me, and you will die, Sabaku — Sakura's apparent closeness with you be damned.

* * *

Gaara:

Due to your letter, I believe I will drop by Sunagakure soon. I have desired a rematch with you since my days in the Chunin Exams, and I honestly doubt that you possess the skills with which to harm me — much less kill me.

* * *

Tenten:

You are also a waste of space.

* * *

Neji:

Indeed, this _is_ a waste of precious time. I will never get those one-and-two-fifths minutes it took to read your pathetic letter back.

I also fail to see why Sakura is apparently so taken with _you_ at the moment. As a Hyuga, you could never stand up to the Uchiha name.

It's disgusting.

* * *

Lee:

You annoy me, even though I do desire a rematch with you. Make my job easier and go fall on a kunai — if you are even capable of wielding such a thing.

Shut the fuck up about your youth and glory and springtime and shit.

And get a clue, ass fuck: Sakura does not like you. The mustaches above your bug-eyes that you call "eyebrows" are fucking disgusting; they disturb her, so give it up.

And she is _not_ involved with the filthy waste-of-precious-breathing-air Hyuga.

* * *

Shino:

I do not like you, either. I do not take orders from you.

* * *

Kiba:

You annoy me, as well. I advise you also to fall on a kunai — and bring your stupid mutt with you.

The cats at the Uchiha Supply Base could kick your dog's ass.

* * *

Hinata:

You also irritate me. Stop apologizing.

And inform your father than should he attempt any wedding of that manner, I'll slit his throat.

* * *

Chouji:

You are another one that irritates me.

* * *

Shikamaru:

I agree with you entirely on your claims of the troublesome shinobi of Konoha. I also appreciate that you seem to be using your brain, unlike every other idiot that has written me.

* * *

Ino:

You annoy me. Greatly. Never speak to me again, or I will kill you.

* * *

Yamato:

I have nothing to say to you.

* * *

Sai:

Like many others, you irritate me. Do not speak to me, or I will kill you as well.

And quit with your stupid fucking nickname shit.

* * *

Kakashi:

I am not an idiot. I know my brother's true reason for destroying my clan. Konoha really should keep their most precious documents under much stricter security.

Just another reason displaying that Konoha truly is a pathetic village.

However, it has its uses, I suppose.

* * *

Naruto:

Hn. Dobe. Quit your yelling.

You are a royal dumbass in the first degree. Your inability to count to eleven, among other things, serves to prove this point.

You are also very repetitive. It gets on my nerves.

Once again, stop your useless whining and screaming.

I have no intentions of "stealing your woman," you stupid fuck. Go cry to your Ramen Kami-sama or whatever, because I do not care.

* * *

Sakura:

Your pathetic attempts at convincing me — and yourself — that you are no longer in love with me do not work. Your "itch" to continue writing to me should have been a key indicator, but, of course, you are an idiot. You are worse than Naruto in that manner.

I fail to see why you find that Hyuga bastard so interesting.

And the stupid Sabaku fucker.

But mostly the Hyuga.

Another thing: you claim to have changed. You haven't. You've always been exactly how you described yourself to me, no matter your opinion on the matter.

When I return, I expect you to be exactly as you were when I left.

A second note: you are to expect my arrival within the week, after I kill off Orochimaru and Kabuto. They greatly irritate me — much like that _Sai_ friend of yours.

Seeing as my intentions to kill Itachi have been rendered void and I cannot take down the remainder of the Akatsuki until I am reinstated into Konoha, I am forced to result to my other goal: reconstructing my fallen clan.

I expect no complaints from you regarding this matter.

I also expect you to fend off that psychotic Yamanaka bitch. As the wife of the Uchiha heir, you must be able to assert your authority to those without the Uchiha name.

Sasuke


	23. Tsunade II

OI. LITTLE UCHIHA BASTARD.

I AM _NOT_ AN OLD BAG WITH SHIT FOR BRAINS, YOU COCKY LITTLE FUCKER.

Name the time? FINE. How about as soon as you drag you sorry ass back here and throw those idiots that wrote you letters off you — because we both know they'll tackle you in a declaration of their unending joy the second they see you. Especially Naruto.

The mission is no longer needed? Ah, yes; I read that in your message to Kakashi.

I'll kick your ass for stealing confidential documents from the village.

As soon as I finish kicking your ass for calling me an old bag with shit for brains.

Oh, yes; I have a message for you from three people:

Naruto — FUCK YOU.

Neji — You thoroughly disgust me.

Kiba — Go screw yourself and your stupid cats, too.

Many of us attempted to persuade Sakura to reply after we all read your letters; she hissed at us like a beast and disappeared to go do Kami-knows-what.

Be prepared for her to punch you in the face when you return, brat.

And if you even _attempt_ to dodge it, I'll kick your ass for _that_, too.

Tsunade  
Hokage

Also signed:

Uzumaki Naruto  
Future Seventh Hokage (Because stupid Danzo-teme got the Sixth Hokage title before you killed him!)

Hyuga Neji  
Of The _Greater_ Clan

Inuzuka Kiba  
The Guy Who's Gonna Piss On Your Grave


End file.
